Headline news from various parts of the world ran a parallel course last week as both Great Britain and the Vatican released statements regarding alien life. British officials have decided to release previously classified documents on UFOs and the Vatican has issued a statement explaining that extra-terrestrials and religion can co-exist (on an unrelated matter: I wish they’d also explain why we always have to put the article “the” in front of “Vatican”).
I am assuming the British reason for their move is to head off conspiracy-theorist Mohamed-Al-Fayed — father of the late Dodi Fayed (Dodi, as you may recall, was involved and killed in a car accident with Princess Diana). It’s rumored that Fayed had plans to announce his latest theory that Prince Charles is actually an alien from the planet Bigeardom bent on the destruction of any Arab seen cavorting with a princess (Makes perfect sense to me!).
The Brits (I can call them that because we’re tight!) plan on “showing their hand” by releasing all of the documents they have about alien life and unidentified flying objects to stop Fayed in his tracks, proving that Charles is actually human despite his unearthly appearance EVEN at the risk of exposing Boy George.
“The” Vatican, long thought of as anti-science, has come out and expressed its sentiments about life on other planets. Stating that the Bible was never intended to be a science book, but rather a how-to-book (or as I like to call it: A directionary), a spokesperson noted that if God can create the universe, he can certainly put creatures of His design anywhere.
Personally, I have suspected the church’s clergy of hiding martian antennae under those goofy hats for decades. What’s up with that funny headwear, anyways? My inclination is: If you’re wearing something on your head that would make a Shriner’s hat look normal, then something’s awry!
And since I’m on the topic, I’m going to reveal my encounter with a UFO. My wife and I had been married for only a couple years and were renting a house in the country. She had gone to bed and I was sitting up pounding a few “teas” (I was rather fond of the brown bottle in those days — too fond it — but I’ve since learned to resist the temptation).
It was a warm summer night when I went to the back door to gaze out across the empty field and the bright starry night. And that’s when I saw it! Right smack in front of me, brilliantly glimmering in the sky was something I’d never seen the likes of in my entire life! I had no idea what it was. I swung the door open to get a better look — and off it went.
I was ecstatic — I couldn’t fathom what I had witnessed. But I wished my wife had seen it, too. I went back inside as all the excitement had made me even more thirsty. Half an hour later, I took another look out the backdoor window. I was shocked — it had returned!
“Kathie” I yelled up the stairs. “Wake up!You’ve got to get down here. Quick!”
Thinking the house was on fire or some other doomsday scenario was playing itself out she scampered down the stairs with a dazed look of fright and confusion.
“What’s the matter?” she gasped.
“Look,” I pointed out. “A UFO!”
“A UFO?” she said incredulously. “That’s NOT a UFO”.
“Really then? What do YOU think it is?”
“It’s your reflection in the plexi-glass, Galileo.”
Detecting sarcasm, I said, “Then what is that huge glowing thing right there?”
“That’s your nose!”
Still trying to prove her wrong, I asked, “Then why do the lights on it keep going on and off?”
“Because you keep blinking” she said, heading back to bed.
I’ve got a hunch she doesn’t believe Mohamed-Al-Fayed, either.
That’s the way it looks from the Valley.
Tom Valley is a Medina resident who writes a column every Wednesday for The Journal-Register. Write to Tvalley@rochester.rr.com.
Columns
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Discussion
May 20, 2008
VALLEY: The search for intelligent life (on Earth)
- Columns
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FARLEY: The Erie Canal gun telegraph
The following communication was first published by the Buffalo Historical Society on April 7, 1863.
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CONFER: Climate security and economic run
We live in an era of much unrest in which people fear for their security, be it socially (terror threats), economically (recession), or environmentally (global warming). Feeding off this, our elected officials have been quite successful in using fear-mongering to introduce endless amounts of legislation that do much more harm than good.
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HARDING: Today is Memorial Day
Besides being my birthday today, May 30 is the true Memorial Day. Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day and serves as a day to remember those who have died defending our country.
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VALLEY: I’ll be on third-base side, section 22
I’ve become a creature of habit. I think it’s because of the sense of security that it offers. The repetition of doing the same thing on a routine basis provides less chance that my already vulnerable focus will be altered — or that my single-dimensioned lifestyle will be challenged by something that entails exertion.
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GUEST VIEW: Farm bill would aid the rich
The front page of the May 23 issue of this newspaper showed a photo of U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer looking determined under the headline “Farm bill appears veto-proof.” Admittedly, Sen. Schumer is one of our most vocal legislators, if not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. Critical thinking is not his strong suit. But considering the company he keeps, this isn’t surprising.
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JENNINGS: Powers is the true ‘Real Deal’
It has been nearly a year since Jon Powers announced his intent to run for the congressional seat currently held by Tom Reynolds. I was at the event, held in Clarence, and I was immediately struck by the candidate’s candor about his upbringing and the time he spent in Iraq.
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HESS: Nature or nurture?
The other day as Henrietta was giving me the stare-down and I was going through the repertoire of things that she could possibly have wanted, I realized that she would likely not survive with another family. She has us (I like to say “us” but that really means “me”) so well trained and happy to comply with her every whim — even when I don’t know what it is — that she would be hard pressed to find a family who could read her mind as well as I do.
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VALLEY: The search for intelligent life (on Earth)
Headline news from various parts of the world ran a parallel course last week as both Great Britain and the Vatican released statements regarding alien life. British officials have decided to release previously classified documents on UFOs and the Vatican has issued a statement explaining that extra-terrestrials and religion can co-exist (on an unrelated matter: I wish they’d also explain why we always have to put the article “the” in front of “Vatican”).
- FARLEY: The ice house on the canal The history of the Erie Canal is filled with information that doesn’t seem to fit into a typical category. One such item was gleaned from the life of Paul Murphy, born in Hartland in 1892.
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GUEST VIEW: Orleans County’s assets shouldn’t be overlooked
Audubon of New York’s Winter 2008 Newsletter reports an 80 percent decline in field sparrows, an 87 percent decline in eastern meadowlarks and a 98 percent decline in grasshopper sparrows in New York state. There were no figures for the vesper sparrows that have long occupied a roadside niche on the back roads of Orleans County.
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