By Paul Lane
CNHI
NORTH TONAWANDA —
A recent wedding in the family (congrats, Uncle Bill and Aunt Brieanna) helped me discover a whole new level of desperation.
As the father of the bell ringer and flower girl (I hope I don’t have to differentiate which child held which post), I was given a front-row seat and assigned the task of caring for Rigby after his stage time ended.
Within minutes, my little monkey man grew weary of his little monkey suit. My cell phone and car keys quelled his distress for a few minutes, but before an “I do” was exchanged Rigby was vehemently (and quite vocally) displeased with my disallowing him to run up the stairs to join his sister.
That’s when I unearthed the “I Will Give You Literally Anything To Be Quiet” level of panic. If he could have told me he’d sit through the ceremony in exchange for $1 million, I’d have taken off with a ski mask for the nearest bank that very second. Cash, jewels, stocks, property, internal organs — anything was for his asking.
But instead, I eventually gained my wits and escorted my little dude into the adjoining foyer. Turned out that he was merely hungry, as a half-dozen or so strawberries soothed him just in time for us to watch the procession leave the staging area.
Rigby is generally the most placid person on the planet, so the experience proved to be another of the many lessons in parenting I’m still encountering. The whole evening yielded many lessons, actually, as it offered up many situations we’ll probably encounter in the fall at Uncle Frank and Aunt Amber’s wedding (at which Mommy will again be a bridesmaid).
• Since they were part of the ceremony, Penny and Rigby had to be there about an hour before it started. Next time, I should bring something to help occupy them so that any other young ones in attendance can tend to their tasks in peace (Penny’s adoration of the ring bearer was cute, but I sensed when she tried to help him and his father tie the little boy’s shoes that he might need some space).
Also remember to have something to assist during dinner. The newlyweds were wonderful enough to leave a coloring book and crayons at Penny’s place, which was great because I honestly never even considered the fact that the kids might get bored stiff sitting through cake-cutting, speeches and multiple courses (double props to the newlyweds for having the caterer prepare chicken fingers and smiley potatoes for the kids).
• Even with chicken and potatoes, the kids still need a lot of help during dinner (both in terms of eating and staying occupied), and the caterer needs to move things along. So eat a big lunch.
• Remember that, while time and its normal routines might cease to exist for adults taking part, children don’t know the difference between wedding day and any other. As stated above, Rigby didn’t care that I had to walk out on the actual nuptials — dinnertime is dinnertime, and that’s the end of it.
The same goes for bedtime. I wanted to have a dance with Penny (she said that her favorite part of the whole day was dancing), but Rigby wasn’t in the mood to stay awake past bedtime, so I instead held him and watched Penny for a bit before taking them to Uncle Pete and Aunt Teresa’s house for the night.
• Work out for a few weeks prior to the ceremony. Your 1-year-old might only be 1, but if he’s anywhere near Rigby’s size, he’ll feel like he’s 25 after you’ve carried him for two hours.
• Asking for an extra copy of the wedding video is probably a good idea. That way, when you watch it three months later, you’ll finally understand the jokes everyone was making that night about the proceedings.
• Invest in sort of energy drink to bring with you. Devoting your attention to two little ones for an entire afternoon and evening, believe it or not, is quite exhausting. If such a drink is forgotten, growing a second pair of hands could also work.
• Try not to think about your children eventually getting married. I mean, Penny and Rigby are only 2 and 1. If they exchange vows, it’ll be a very long time from now. Not like that time passes quickly ... right?
• Remember to stop and admire how cute/handsome those babies are. I probably didn’t do enough of this. Also find time to share a dance with your spouse (thankfully, I did).
• Don’t make plans to attend the afterparty. Bed can’t come quickly enough.
