VALLEY: The infinite search for answers from the univers

Opinion

Discussion

March 3, 2010

Anonymous The Journal-Register Wed Mar 03, 2010, 01:22 PM EST

I often ponder the mysteries of the universe. The reasons for our existence have perplexed me since I was little. And also ...

I was wondering: Who’s the genius who thought it would be a good idea to make belts out of stretchy material? Have you ever seen those things? I got one for Christmas. They’re as practical as see-through pants and as efficient as cotton hand grenades.

I can’t tell you who I got it from, but when I questioned my wife as to why she bought it, she explained that she was tired of seeing me in “droopy drawers.” I explained they were like that because I was wearing the same stretchy belt that she gave me last year.

Why would someone decide to manufacture a belt that needs to be dependably steadfast out of an elastic material?

I was also wondering: Am I the only one who finds irony in the fact that the Toyota Company, whose well-documented problems with getting their cars to stop, uses “moving forward” as their catch-phrase?

I was wondering: Was it illegal before 1930, or so, to smile or say “cheese” while posing for a photograph? Have you ever noticed this? I’ve never seen anyone displaying a sense of friendly countenance in pictures predating that era. Maybe I’m mistaken, but it seems as though people, back then, were totally devoid of emotion. It didn’t matter if it was a single portrait or family picture, they all looked totally detached from ... well, life! It’s creepy to the point of haunting.

I was wondering: Why do hearing aid companies advertise on the radio?

I was wondering: If and when the time ever comes to build a Bass Pro Shop in Western New York, what will they call it? Black bass will surely be extinct by that time? How about Invasive Species Number 87 Pro Shop? Who was the mayor of Buffalo when these discussions first started, Grover Cleveland?

I was wondering: If it’s true that the Internet is replacing the print media, then how come you see so many computers for sale in the newspaper?

I was wondering: Has television fare struck such a low point that I’m content watching curling? I don’t care if it is the Olympics! Out of a hundred-plus options, something is wrong if I’m stuck watching men or women from two countries I never heard of — let alone one that I could point out on a map — play glamorized shuffleboard.

If they want to make the game more interesting, I suggest they do it the way I used to play the table-version in a barroom. It was necessary to drink a 6-pack of aiming juice before and during each game. I think it was a lot more fun that way; but oddly, I can’t remember if I was any good at it.

And moving forward ...

That’s the way it looks from the Valley.

Contact Tom Valley at Tvalley@rochester.rr.com.

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