Every time I’ve alluded to sex in my articles, it’s always the men, seldom the women, who come up to me and say, “Good job, girl, I really got a kick out of your column last week, even enjoyed a few chuckles.”
“Thank you,” I demurely smile, like no man has ever used that three-letter word in front of me before. “I don’t want to imply that sex is meant to be funny,” I continue.
Actually I want to pop the really big question to them like, “ But gentlemen, don’t you chuckle at my column every week?” But of course, I’m almost afraid of their answers because you can’t hit a home run every time, darn it.
And so it is the same with sex. So many things have to go right so that everything doesn’t go wrong. Hey, I speak not with real authority, mind you, because don’t forget, men are supposed to be the experts in that department. Talk about pressure — no wonder so many struggle, or so the TV commercials are always reminding us. Just tell me I have to perform every week for the newspaper and suddenly my mind goes all blank, blank like the writing paper before me. But tell me that my whole writing career doesn’t hinge on one flop or two, and suddenly my whole being changes and I become all confident and relaxed, like I really know what I’m doing.
And so it is with sex, but the relaxing part doesn’t only come at night as much as it should during the day. Yep, you read that right; the sex therapists insist that it’s what happens during the day with couples that will indicate what or won’t happen at night. I know, I know, I couldn’t believe it either, so that makes intimacy a 24-hour job. And that means stress and responsibility for both sexes.
“There’s always a hitch to everything,” balk the men who must keep reminding themselves that if they expect a little evening sweetness, they can’t be dishing out dirt during the day. And ladies, remember, that goes for us, too. We can’t be carping at our husbands all the time and then expect bliss in the boudoir.
“I expect nothing,” spoke up a long time married matron, “and that’s exactly what I’m getting, but you know something? It doesn’t bother me, but it bothers me that it doesn’t bother me.”
Had she not had a longing look in her eyes like, ‘Oh, I remember when,’ I might have believed her. “I’ve always heard that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together, and that if a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are usually in the mattress,” she sighed. Yeah, she doesn’t care, all right.
Why did she have to put those ideas in my head? Who the heck did she think she was, Dr. Ruth? No, Dr. Phil because she kept going on and on. “Dr. Phil said that when things are going right in the bedroom, it’s only 10 percent of the relationship, but when things go awry, it becomes 90 percent of the relationship.”
I’d sure hate to hear her spiel if she was interested in sex.
“Eh, what good is sex, anyway?” another satisfied spouse heard from.
“I guess no good, you’re here, aren’t you?” I half teasingly replied.
Poor darling, she never even picked up on my insinuation, but some things are best left unrepeated. And some things like sex should be elevated to a higher level. If rocks are in anybody’s mattress it’s because the mystique of sex has been shattered. Some couples sleep in a bed the size of Rhode Island, and they’re all snuggled and secure. Others sleep in something the size of Alaska; guess that tells you how much traveling they do together during the day.
Karen White-Walker is a Wilson resident.
Opinion
WHITE-WALKER: Happy days, happier nights
- Opinion
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There are bobcats in our area
In recent years, local residents have had the chance to witness some interesting animals within our borders. Among those that generated the most press and most talk were the black bears that frequented the area for a couple of months. The beasts elicited either fear or appreciation, depending on one’s perception of bruins. More often than not, the former emotion ruled the day.
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Governor needs to stay on point
Last week in the governor’s State of the State address, Cuomo said he’s taking on a new job. He’s going to be an advocate for the kids. In fact, Cuomo went so far as to say that he’s going to be the only advocate that kids have.
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CONFER: A warning about the WARN Act
Entrepreneurship has always had its basis in the understanding and handling of the unknown. No business owner has ever known exactly what his customers want, what the markets hold, or what his competitors are doing. But, they’ve always had a good idea about what might happen and, from the theoretical standpoint, what should happen.
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VALLEY: I'm amused by the little things
Am I the only one amused by the fact that few (if any) people have ever seen a woman in a dress like the ones in the fashion section of a newspaper? I’m talking about the illustrated apparel — designed by people with one name — that’s supposed to be what people will be wearing in the next fashion cycle.
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Recognize our hometown heroes
If you haven’t driven through Holley this summer, you’ve missed quite a sight. The light posts and electrical poles throughout the village are adorned with Hometown Heroes banners. Each one recognizes someone from the village who is actively serving in the military. The attractive banners are 72 inches tall and about half as wide and each one is adorned with a large photo of the serviceman/woman along with his or her name and branch.
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VALLEY: Inactive seniors and over-reacting juniors
Have you seen the commercial on television where the young gal who is at the age where she knows everything there is to know about life and the world says something to the effect that a recent study had shown that older people tend to live less of a social life than they did in the past?
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VALLEY: The other side of a tragedy
In late June of 2010, I wrote a column about my friend, Dave Cook. Back then, Dave and his wife, Carol (and daughter, Chelsea) had been through a Hell-ish scare when a liaison with the U.S. Marine Corps had left a message about their son, Sgt. Trevor T. Cook. Trevor was serving in Afghanistan at the time.
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CONFER: The real story behind your power bill
As long as the Public Service Commission allows a pending rate change from National Grid — and there’s no reason they wouldn’t — the electric company’s customers will see significant savings come Jan. 1. The bill for the typical household/apartment will be nearly $9.50 lower per month, while homeowners with families (who use more power) drop by almost $16. That’s $114 and $192 in extra spending money per year. Not too shabby.
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VALLEY: Don't take offense to this
I was making a delivery last week in my Napa pick-up truck when I noticed another truck several car lengths ahead of me. At first, I thought that it, too, was a work truck, because I could see a large sign across the tailgate.
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CONFER: N.Y. should tax public pensions
New York residents are excluded from paying state taxes on the first $20,000 of their retirement income from private pensions. If they happen to be former government workers, though, things are quite different: Local, state, federal and military retirees don’t pay any state tax at all on their publicly-provided pensions, whether it’s $20,000 or $80,000.
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